Miss Grump

"Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person." - Colossians 4:5-6

I don't know if everyone* has moments like these - moments of extreme grumpiness and pigheadedness when God is not glorified and, Lord forgive me, the heart does not seem to care much, or at all. Or it does but is incapable of repentance at that very moment (much to my annoyance, really).

Yesterday morning was such a time for me. (Talk about timing - it was Sunday and I'd just attended church service!) I don't know if you can attribute it to hunger or lack of sleep, but I was seriously wanting in zeal for the Lord's cause and was highly tempted to look at all matters as untoward incidents meant to provoke me to sin - and quick I was to rush into evil! I was impatient and would have manifested imprudent outbursts of anger, had not the Lord graciously removed grounds for such behavior. (My parents weren't in the same sorry mood I was in yesterday). Still, my tone was a lot less than kind and my words were short, brisk monotones. If you know me, you'll know I don't usually speak this way. This was my everything-pisses-me-off-so-keep-your-distance manner of speaking. The snooty, arrogant, whiny and un-Christian me (strongest when only the family is around) was resurfacing (but it's supposed to be dead!), embracing foolishness and rejecting the tender voice of wisdom which kept calling out to me and reminding me that I loved God and that I was supposed to be a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Him.

Frankly, I was even annoyed to be reminded that I wasn't supposed to conduct myself this way since I had been bought with a price, was no longer my own... and because people (especially "outsiders") were watching and it would be highly distressing to talk like a spoiled brat and then be overheard by someone who knows me as a zealous churchgoer and a professing Christian. That'd be the quickest way for my testimony to be ruined - I would come off as a complete hypocrite who could not practice what she preached.

Despite all my shortcomings, I really don't do anything for show, and I honestly mean to love God with all my heart, all my soul and all my strength (and love others as myself). Moments like these drive me to despair that I will never be worthy of service to God because no one would believe anything I say. I have no credibility. No fruits. At least that's what my depressed heart says sometimes. It's not entirely true though - God is changing me from glory to glory. I'm a work in progress. But I hope the progress will be obvious for the sake of Jesus' name, which I carry as His follower. God unite my heart to fear Your name.

I will never be worthy of God's favor no matter what I do or how good I become. But I am counted worthy to be called His child now, in my present imperfect state, because He who judges sees the blood that covers my sin and makes me perfect now. Even if I soon become the model of perfect patience, kindness and love by the power of the Holy Spirit, I will still be an unworthy servant who has done nothing except what is expected of her. It is the grace of God that has brought me thus far and it is this same grace that will bring me to the promised end.

I hope I will never have another grumpy moment ever again. May God be so real in my life and His majesty so vivid in my eyes that my heart would tremble in His presence and render me incapable of sin (Psalm 4:4). But if I ever get uncontrollably grouchy again, I know God's voice will be more and more persistent and will keep my foot from slipping... in all honesty, despite my rebellious state of mind, I sensed Him keeping me from trouble all day yesterday. He's made me more docile somehow.

If I ever doubt God's power to change me again, I must remember one thing: I believe in the Holy Spirit. I really do. May He be glorified.


* I'm referring to Christians